and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.