hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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