it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
