I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
