i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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