I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
