I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
4 words: hood of his car
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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