cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
