please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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