I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
