i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
