I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
