we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
