Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
