and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes