I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing