So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...