my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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