I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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