i dont even know how to be here
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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