You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
