hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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