The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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