I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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