i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm always down for nudity.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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