She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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