I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
