my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
