you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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