OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
where are you?
Hypothermia
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
