Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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