my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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