someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
