Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
