I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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