can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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