Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
