Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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