i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
