I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
