So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
