all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
