oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
