Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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