im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
