You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
