And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
