I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
