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i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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