Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
