I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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