He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well I just put wine in my tea
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
