I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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