So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
