If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need to stop coming to work sober
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
