Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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