I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I need water and some morals
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
