just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
