This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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