I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
