I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
