i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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