Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
